The Fall

Well, it happened. Lily had a fairly serious fall....a fall that necessitated the boo boo bunny...a fall that made me feel like a totally crappy mom.

I was changing her tonight on her changing table. She was standing up and leaning against me as I unsnapped her onsie, when she lunged to the side and toppled off the table. I grabbed for her on the way down and sort of slowed the fall, but only managed to grab her diaper, which tore. She landed sort of on her side mostly on the carpet, but her cheek hit the wooden rocking horse that sits in her room.

As she was tumbling (which seemed to happen very slowly) I yelled for Josh, who came rushing up the stairs. I honestly think my reaction scared her more than she was actually hurt. She was crying fairly hard, though, which made me pretty worried. After a preliminary examination, though, it appeared that she only had a bruise on her cheek, but I sent Josh after the boo boo bunny.

By the time he got back upstairs, she was mostly calm. She would NOT let us hold that cute bunny covered ice cube on her (does that thing work as they get older?). Instead, she wanted to lick it! I debated whether it was worth making her mad to try to ice the bruising spot, but since it didn't appear to be swelling, I decided against it. Josh and I both checked her over pretty good and I think the worst of it is going to be a bruise the size of a quarter on her cheek.

At this point, after all the drama was over, and we were all sitting in the floor playing, I began to cry. I just felt so bad about letting her fall. I should have made her sit or lie down while I was undressing her. I should have had a better hold on her. I think I've gotten a bit complacent and give her more credit for balance and stability than she deserves. You can bet I'll be more careful from now on!

Pumpkin Spice Lattes Make Me Cry

Yesterday I had my first pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks in over year and cried all the way to work! You may think that is a little extreme and I'm sure it's a little hormonal, but the last time I had a pumpkin spice latte I was in the hospital having Lily. That week, in fact, in the hospital, I had two. The first was the morning of my induction. We had gone into the hospital the night before and woke hungry but not wanting any of the hospital food. I sent Josh to the hospital Starbucks and he came back with a bagel and my first every pumpkin spice latte (decaf of course!). It was delicious.

The second was the morning we left the hospital to bring Lily home. We had a very rough night in the NICU sleep room having a sleepless baby all to ourselves for the first time and paranoid that something would go wrong now that she was disconnected from all of her monitors. Josh again ran to the Starbucks and returned with a bagel and pumpkin spice latte (I was hooked). They accidentally made two caf, so he had to get a third in decaf (for me for free), and we shared the extra caf one with one of our amazing doctors.

Those first days of Lily's life are packed with an amazing myriad of emotions. The fear and disappointment of learning I was going to have to be induced. The drama and pain of labor and delivery. The joy and excitement at her arrival. The anxiety when she was taken to the NICU. The frustration over not having her with us and not being able to nurse her right away. The beauty of those first few moments when we did get to hold her and I got to nurse her. The shock of that first night in the sleep room where we realized we were totally responsible. The relief and excitement as we left the hospital to bring her home to our house as a family. It was by far, the most emotionally charged few day of my life, and it's funny how the tastes and smells of the one hot beverage can bring all of that pouring back.

As we start to think about the arrival of baby number two, I have to admit that I'm a little nervous. I'm just not sure I'm ready to go through all of that again. I pray, and I ask that you pray, that this arrival will be a bit less dramatic than the first!

Back to School...wow!

Let me start by saying that I'm tired. I think I've been tired for pretty much two straight weeks. So far the start of school, trying to start a new service project (more on that later), taking care of Lily, and growing this new little one are sort of kicking my butt. Honestly, it's mostly school. I feel like every year we teachers are being asked to do more and more with less and less. I have a team of a hundred and twenty students who each need special attention to be successful. Add to that the fact that I am team leader (which isn't a huge deal, but some added responsibility), now have lunch duty twice a week (which we didn't have before) and have another class in my room during one of my planning times, and I am really struggling to get everything done.

Hence the lack of blogging.

I do have things I want to say, including...
...Triangle Community Birth Stories - my new outreach project to expecting mom
...Serving others makes me happy (TCBS, Athens Moms, RRM, and Youth Group)
...Lily is growing and changing fast (I know...I say this a lot, but there are new things to tell!)
...Baby #2 - I have lots of comments and questions about that one!
...Keeping a clean house, and why today's women need help
...Planning a 1st Birthday Party
...I Need Community, and so do you
...Thank God for Helpful Friends!

I pray that someday soon, the dust will settle and I'll have time to write again...until then, don't worry about me, but do check on me!

Lily's Dedication

Today was a very special day for my little duckling! Today she, along with six of her friends (our church is taking the "be fruitful and multiply" verse seriously :)) were dedicated. It was a touching service as Pastor CJ challenged us as parents to do our best to lead her down the right path while at the same time challenging the congregation to step along side of us in the journey.

As I looked around, I was blown away by how seriously my church family takes the "it takes a village" mentality. These are people who really have been our family, since family is far away. They brought dinner for two months when Lily was born (One even brought breakfast too!). Some stayed to hold and soothe her while we ate (which may have saved my sanity). There are times on Sunday I don't know who is holding Lily, but I know she is safe and there are ten mom's with eyes on her! In the last ten months, I have shared more lunches, dinners, coffees, and mothering discussions than I can count with many other moms. I know that I have a real fleet of people I can call at any time and with any need and they won't make me feel inadequate or ashamed. They will just be there. They love me, and they love Josh, and they love Lily.

I honestly don't know how people do it (by it I mean, parenthood, motherhood, marriage, life, everything) without community. I know that Josh and I are so blessed. So, to all of my community, Ekklesia and otherwise (because there are also quite a few of you out there that aren't Ekklesia, but still part of my "village"), Thank you and I love you, and I'm glad I have your help as I struggle to raise Lily the best way we know how!

**Case in point - Thanks to Nick Tripp for taking this picture when we didn't have enough hands to hold baby and camera!

The Beginning of the End, of Nursing That Is!

I just pulled the last of my frozen milk out of the freezer to thaw and feed Lily, and I can't help but be a little sad. I'm not totally giving up on nursing yet, but I'm past the pumping phase, which I know is the beginning of the end. When I start back to work next week, I'm not going to try to pump. I still plan to nurse morning and at bed time, but the rest of the day she will have formula until she is a year, then we'll transition to cow's milk.

There are several factors impacting the decision. One is that my pump is not working well. It fell in the back seat of my car and one of the prongs is bent which won't create good suction. Thus, when I'm pumping I'm not getting much. Another factor is just that she is getting older and eating a lot of food, so I know she is not as reliant on my milk. In fact, I'm not even sure about my supply and her satisfaction these days. I feel like when she does nurse (except at bed time) she only nurses for about five minutes on each side and then is done, then she still acts hungry. I've tried to get her to nurse longer, but she's just not super interested. :(

While knowing that this is the start of the end of nursing makes me sad, I also know it's a fact of her growing older. I'm sure this is the first of many leaps toward her independence, and a little piece of me is relieved not to have to worry as much about pumping, milk supply, and all that goes with that. Plus, it tempers the sadness to know that, come March, I'll have a new little one to nurse!

Don't be Judgy (and Lily's 9 Month Check Up)

Today was Lily's nine month check up. She is doing great. Still tall (29 inches - 99th percentile) but thinning out a bit (18lbs 5oz - 50th percentile) due to all the moving around. She is the picture of perfect health and even tolerated her shot and anemia test fairly well.

I had an interesting realization at the doctor's today, though.

It was really crowded this morning. The office was full of kids waiting for their check up (our pediatrician, who I love, intentionally schedules the well visits in the morning and sick visits in the afternoon to limit contagion). A mother with her daughter, who was probably about four, were in front of me in line to check in. I heard her explain to the receptionist that she didn't have an appointment, but she really needs to see a doctor right away because her daughter has a mosquito bite that is swelling on her face.

I have to admit. My first thoughts were judgy. Really...a mosquito bite? You rush your daughter to the doctor for a mosquito bite? I have ten mosquito bites right now! I can't even see it from here! It can't be worth the time and expense of a doctor visit! How silly! I could tell the people in line behind me and in the waiting room were thinking the same thing. I could tell that the receptionist was thinking the same thing, although she handled it quite well and told the woman they would work her in (this is part of why I love this doctor).

Selfishly, I thought about my busy day. I thought about all I had to do and how I had my appointment scheduled three months ago. I thought about how I would be upset if they "worked her in" before I got to see the doctor. I thought about how "unfair" it would be if her mosquito bite somehow meant we had to spend more time waiting.

As I sat there waiting (just a few minutes) for my appointment, though, I got to thinking. Am I really that different from this mom? Am I not a worry wart sometimes (see cartoon!)? Don't I sometimes start to freak out over a little bump, or a "strange" diaper, or a "gooky" eye? The difference for me is Josh. He tells me chill out. He keeps me from freaking out. What if this woman doesn't have a husband? What is if she doesn't have a mom, or sister, or friend to ask? What if her daughter has a special medical condition where a bug bite could be a big deal?

Bottom line...I don't know her story. I don't know her situation. I should not be judgy. I should just count my own blessings!

Teen Moms

The High School where my church meets has quite a few students who either have children or are expecting children. As part of our ongoing efforts to really be part of the school community, we have recently started looking for ways to support these girls. As soon as this was mentioned in church one Sunday, I teared up and knew that I was supposed to help. Today I decided to take the day off work to attend our first event, a "baby shower".

We took tons of diapers and gently used clothes, along with lunch for the girls. I wasn't sure what to expect. While these women are moms, they are also still high school students. The counselor had to go and "remind" many of them to attend, but once they did, what happened was beautiful. I think that being together in one space helped them see that they are not alone. Although shy at first, they soon dived into searching for clothes for their little ones and conversation with each other about motherhood.

It was obvious who was expecting and who was already a mother, and not just because of the belly. There was a noticeable maturity among those who already have a baby they are taking care of. I'm not surprised. Being a mom brings with it a whole new set of concerns and joy and until you experience it, you really have no idea what you are in for.

I was somewhat surprised to see one of the fathers come with his girlfriend to the shower. I'm proud of that young man even though I don't know him. It can't be easy for a teenage boy to come into a room full of girls looking at baby clothes, heck, I don't think Josh would have done it. It really got me thinking that all of these baby's have dads. Perhaps we need to look more into ways that we can support them as well. Being a dad isn't easy either and there is lots of evidence out there about how important having a good dad is.

I hope that seeing us there, struggling with our own babies fussing, being hungry, spilling things, etc. they see that no one has it all together. The point is that we all realize that parenthood is a challenge, but that having people, be they your peers or elders (wow...I hate that word, I am not old enough to be an elder, but I couldn't think of another word that would work), to talk about all of the struggles and joys with makes the whole journey a bit easier and a lot more fun. I know I'm blessed to have lots of other moms in my life.

Overall, I can not imagine being a high school student and a mother. Motherhood is a tough gig even when you are "grown up". I'm impressed that these girls are finishing school and doing their best to be good moms. I want to do anything I can to support that. We have plans to do more "showers" in the future as well as large group outings and a mentor program. I'm so excited to see what God does in the lives of these young girls and their little ones.

Mama

This past week, Lily turned 8 months old and started saying mama. The thing is, she only says it when she is upset. When she is happy, she chants "dadadadada", but when she is upset, she screams "mama". My nanny says it's because she wants comforting and mamas are for comfort, whereas dadas are for fun.

This got me thinking. Perhaps mama is a natural innate sound that a baby human makes when in need of comfort, much like a baby kitten meow or a baby bird chirp. Perhaps that is why the first words used for mother are so similar around the world. Interesting!

It also made me think that perhaps I underestimate my baby girl. Perhaps she really does know who mama is and calls for me when she wants comforting. She certainly does say dada more when he is around. Not exclusively, but more. Mama, however, seems to come out more when I'm not there than when I am. Who really knows. I just like that she says it! :)

Post Script to Overwhelmed

Warning: Boys, you probably don't want to read this post.

So...you know how I was feeling so overwhelmed last week. It was really rough. I had lots of tears and fears. Turns out...there is a good chance it was all hormonal. After "Aunt Flow's" visit with her red suitcase over the weekend, I feel so much calmer and more myself. It's amazing how that happens. I think I had forgotten about her. That is one big benefit to being pregnant!

Overwhelmed

Do you ever feel overwhelmed? I think I thought I felt overwhelmed before I had Lily. I had no idea. Don't get me wrong. I love her. I love being her mom. I love Josh, I love being his wife. I love my job, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my house. I have lots of things that I love, but all of those things also bring with them responsibilities.

Last night I hit a wall. I felt very overwhelmed by all of my responsibilities. The thought of having one more little thing to do was just too much. The last two weeks have been incredibly stressful at work. With testing, remediation, and retesting, I feel like I've spent two weeks torturing seventh graders. That is a responsibility I don't want and don't like, but I still have to do it. There have been a ton of details to work out and very limited time to do it. It has been perhaps the most stressful week of my professional life to date. Because it was so stressful, I came home exhausted. I played with Lily and took care of her, but had little energy for anything else. Thus, my other responsibilities suffered.

I just feel like I have so many responsibilities that I'm doing a crappy job of all of them. Last night, out of shear frustration, I decided to make a list. I made a list of all of my responsibilities. The ones that I do every day, the ones I do once a week, and the ones I do every now and then. I'm not sure why I made the list. Maybe because naming a thing makes it easier to deal with. Maybe so I could show it to people and they would understand all I feel responsible for (which I did). Maybe so I would hopefully find things I can cross of that I'm not really responsible for (which I didn't). I'm not sure if the list was helpful.

My only solace is that I only have ten more days of work and then all of the stress and responsibility related to that are gone. Suddenly I'll have eight more hours a day to take care of my other responsibilities. June 11th can't get here soon enough. I just pray I make it!

A Weekend Full of Adventure!

This past weekend was full of fun family adventures. On Saturday, we went for our first ever family hike. We put Lily in the backpack we got from the REI garage sale and set off along the Eno River to Bobbitt's Hole. It was really a lovely hike, although the cicadas were so loud at times we had to shout to hear each other over them. I carried Lily out to the swimming hole. Unbelievably, she fell asleep in the backpack and slept a good chunk of the way. I thought it would be tough to carry her at first because my balance was off, but I quickly got used to it, and even enjoyed it. Bobbitt's hole was beautiful and we definitely plan to return and swim there soon. When Lily woke up we had a little snack and then headed back with Josh carrying her. All it all, it was a lovely way to spend an afternoon.

Then, yesterday, I took Lily on her first trip to the pool. I got her all dressed in her rash guard swim suit, plopped on her hat, and slathered my pale baby in sunscreen (any tips for putting that stuff on their face). At first she was not a fan of the cold water, but as I eased her in and let her get used to it, she began to enjoy it and even splash around a bit. I put her in her awesome covered float and she immediately kicked back with her feet up and relaxed. She also quite enjoyed trying to grasp the water with her pincher grip and drink it! A few times she splashed herself in the face and giggled. It was super cute.

I am seriously looking forward to summer. Three more weeks and I'm home with my baby! We are going to have such fun!

My Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. My mom sent me a message saying she remembered the day I was born, and it really got me thinking. Why, on our birthdays, do we not call our Mom's and thank them! I know the idea is that we are celebrating that we survived another year of life, but to me that is sort of morbid. I think that instead, we should use this day to say thank you and celebrate the person who gave us life!

I know that for me, the day Lily was born is one I will never forget. When I celebrate with her, I know I will remember and celebrate my own joy as well. I think both my mom and I have a special day worthy of celebrating every May 19th. So, every year, from now on, on my birthday I'll be calling my mom to thank her and celebrate with her!

Another Cool Birthday Idea: I have a friend who's mom calls her every year at the time of her birth to wish her a happy birthday! I think that is an awesome tradition. So, this year, at 11:41pm on September 28th, I'll be whispering to Lily "Happy Birthday" as she sleeps!

The Soothing Phenomenon

Last night Josh and I had dinner with some friends who have a two week old baby and I got some new insight into what I call the soothing phenomenon. You all know what I'm talking about. This is the phenomenon when the new parents are at the end of their rope. They have tried everything they can think of to soothe their fussy little one. They are sure nothing will work and she will never stop crying. Then, a friend stops by. After just a few minutes in this friends arms, the baby is calm and asleep. The new parents are relieved and frustrated at the same time.

This happened for Josh and I shortly after Lily was born. We were struggling, she was fussing, and God sent Rae to save us. Rae, who has a self proclaimed dislike of babies, took Lily and almost instantly soothed her. I was relieved, but baffled. The same thing happened when my friend Fiona came over. I watched them and tried to figure out what they did, but it didn't work for me. I didn't understand. Now, though, after soothing my friends baby last night, I think I get it.

It has nothing to do with the friends expertise. The baby most definitely doesn't "like" the friend more than her parents. I think it has to do with being relaxed. Every knew parent knows that their baby can sense their stress and anxiety and it makes them more fussy. Still, I think it is truly impossible not to feel stressed when you are tired and your baby is crying and you don't know why. Your friend however doesn't feel that same stress. They know they won't be up all night. They don't fear they are doing the wrong thing. They might even enjoy the fussy little bundle.

I think that is what is at the root of the soothing phenomenon. I don't know that this is really a helpful discovery though, because, as I noted, it's not really possible to relax when you are the parent. In fact, telling new parents to relax and enjoy their screaming baby is ludicrous. I think the best I can do for my friend is being willing to come when she needs me and hold the baby screaming or calm. It also can't hurt to remind her that these tough weeks are so short, even though in the middle of the storm it seems like they will never end.

My First Mother's Day!

Today is my first legitimate Mother's Day as a mom. I have to admit that I was a bit weepy most of they day. It's just that it's been such a long journey. I get caught up in the joy of having Lily that I forget what it was like before.

Last Mother's day, when I was expecting her, was exciting, but a little awkward. I was still timid about celebrating, and fearful that something bad might happen. The ones for several years before that were painful.

Today, though, all of my tears were joyful. The first tears today were as I set this morning nursing her when she woke up (she slept until 9!) and just marveling at having her in my arms.

The next were on the way to church after talking to my family and remembering some great memories with my own mom! Then there were tears during church singing "there is mourning in the night, but joy comes in the morning!" Those words just rang so true about so many aspect of motherhood!

The middle of the day was fairly tear free as we went out to lunch with friends, then Josh watched Lily so I could have a nap! Tonight Josh and I took dinner to friends who have a two week old baby. Don't get me wrong, there are some things (mainly the inconsolable crying) that I don't miss about having a tiny one, but the snuggliness is nice. Josh, knowing that I was thinking about how fast Lily is growing, just had to point out how before you know it she'll be going away to college! I can't even imagine and choose not to!

As joyful as they are, hopefully those, well actually the ones I cry as I write this, will be my last tears of the day!

Identity Crisis

Monday was Lily's seven month birthday. I know I say this every month, but time seems to be flying by. She is so precious. But you know what...I realized something recently. I think I'm having a identity crisis.

I think that for the last seven months my only real role has been "mother". Don't get me wrong, I love that role, but I'm starting to enjoy taking on some new roles. I've returned to work and am back in charge of my classroom and enjoying the role of "teacher". I've been trying to get back into the swing of work which has been tougher than I expected. This week, for the first time, I feel like I was actually a "good" teacher and contributing member of the team.

I've also been doing more socially with and even without Lily. I've left her with Josh several times to "go out" and I'm enjoying that freedom. I even spent four hours at a salon last Thursday (which may also be a symptom of the identity crisis, but I think it's a good one and am enjoying my new hair). Last night I went to dinner and a movie with a friend. It was lovely.

I'm also enjoying the role of wife. I think I had temporarily forgotten about that one. With Lily regularly going to bed fairly early and being able to entertain herself more when she is awake, Josh and I have had more opportunities to work in the yard (which we both enjoy), cook dinner, and actually sit and connect*. Our little get away weekend at the beach was also quite nice. I think we sort of missed each other in the craziness of being mom and dad instead of Mamie and Josh.

I know that mother is a role that I will have for the rest of my life, and I love it, but I think that seven months was a long time for it to be my only role. Re-finding myself isn't always easy, but it is quite necessary and I think in the long run it will be quite nice.

* I'll let you read whatever you want to into that! :)

Crazy Weather = Crazy Mommy

As I'm sure you know, we have been having some crazy weather. Last weekend my hometown was struck by two tornadoes that left a ton of damage, but miraculously no fatalities. Yesterday a very strong storm system moved through North Carolina causing numerous tornadoes. Josh and I got back in town just as the storms approached.

I know I may be a bit over paranoid, but I found myself glued to the storm coverage as it was approaching yesterday. I even refused to put Lily down upstairs for a nap. I know Josh thought I was crazy. She was obviously tired and quite fussy, but I was scared. I couldn't imagine having her all the way up there and us downstairs if something happened. I didn't even want to put her down. I held her until we were sure the threat of the storms had passed our area. Then, last night, I had this strange compulsion to sleep in her room "just in case". I fought the urge because I knew that all the bad weather was passed, but still...

It's good to know, however that I'm not alone in being crazy worried about the ones I love. My own mother called me twice to check on me. My sister and aunt each called as well. My friend admitted today that she called her husband, who was home with the kids while she worked, and ordered he take their kids into the bathroom.

We may be a bit overly cautious as moms, but these storms are really scary and and the devastation they leave behind is sad.

Birth on T V

Josh is speaking at some high schools at the coast today, so Lily and I decided to join him for a little mini-vacation (I'll post more about the trip later). Today, while Lily was napping, I watched a few of those birth shows on tv. Since Lily was born I've become a bit of a birth story junkie. Please excuse the following rant, but most of these shows are quite annoying.

In one of them they told the woman that because she was having pitocin (I'm not sure why), she had to have an epidural because she wouldn't be able to handle he pain. That just isn't true. Both my friend Anna and I were induced and delivered without pain medication. With responsible use of pit and good labor support, it is totally possible.

In another show they told a woman who was fully dilated and pushing, that she needed a c-section because every time she pushed the baby was coming two steps forward and one step back. I remember that, it sucks, but it is a totally normal part of birth. They also blamed the c-section on the fact she hadn't had any pain medication and was too tired. They actually sort of shamed her for that. It made me mad.

I know that everyone has different experiences of labor and birth and there is no one right way, but I am super frustrated by how some doctors manipulate their patients (especially those who don't know any better) into doing what is best for the doctor/hospital. I am so glad and so fortunate that the midwives and L&D nurses at UNC are so helpful and understanding.

Shopping Spree

After a delightful brunch with friends yesterday, Josh agreed to watch Lily while I did a little clothes shopping. It was wonderful. I have not had many good shopping experiences since Lily was born. With her in tow it is tough to try things on, so I've often bought things without trying them on only to get home and discover I don't like them and have to take them back.

Yesterday I was able to take my time and try things on and actually find things that make me feel cute. Much to my surprise I was able to wear pants a size smaller than I had expected and also needed a smaller size in some tops. I have a suspicion that this particular store sizes things big, but I'll take it. It was so nice to feel good in clothes. I got one pair of pants, one skirt, and five tops!

Trying on clothes however, led to me feeling the need for some new "real" bras. I've been wearing sports bra style nursing bras or tanks since Lily arrived, but realized that a normal bra with more support actually makes a difference under my clothes. I headed to Destination Maternity where they had a buy three get one free sale on all nursing bras. So of course I had to have four. I got three practical ones, and one "sexy" one. It was something of a pleasant surprise to realize that I now need bra that is two cup sizes larger than I was wearing before baby!

Overall, I spent way more than I should have, but it was so much fun to be out on my own, to not worry about the baby, and to find things that make me feel cute and even a little sexy. I realized I've been missing that.

Hatley Photo Contest (I never thought I'd be that mom)

Yes, I've entered Lily in another photo contest. This one is through Hatley clothing's facebook page. I am almost ashamed. Part of me hates hounding my friends to vote about how cute my baby is. I'm pretty sure it drives Josh crazy. In reality it's not that I think she is cuter than any other baby. I know that some of those other pictures on the Hatley facebook are just as cute and maybe even cuter. We all know that with facebook it's not about the cute picture anyway, it's about who has the most friends. I'm not sure I want to get into that competition.

I'm a bit frustrated because when I put the picture in the running, I didn't know that people would have to like Hatley's page to be able to like the picture of her. I wasn't even sure it would be a voting thing. I thought maybe they would select a winner. But I guess that is the whole idea, for them to develop a larger facebook presence. In reality, from what I've read, it is a pretty good company and I don't really mind supporting them. I do wish their products were slightly more affordable, but I understand that they cost more because they are a high quality product, made by a small family run company.

A friend of my mom's gave Lily a pair of Hatley flamingo pajamas. I love them. They really are my favorite and I'd buy her ten more pairs if they weren't a bit too expensive for me to feel good about buying them. Hence the contest...we have a chance to win a free pair! :)

So, if you feel inclined (and don't feel pressure, I know we are loved even if we don't win free jammies) you can go to the Hatley Clothing page to like them before you go to the Hatley Fan Pic Contest - April 2011 and like the photo of Lily.

Family Shopping

Before Lily was born, Josh and I had something of a tradition. Several times a year we would go shopping together for new wardrobe items. We have a sort of binge and purge clothes shopping habit where we buy a lot of things at once rather than over time. We decided that since I was on spring break and we could go during the day, today would be a good shopping day. Having Lily, however, drastically changed our day.

Honestly, it was sort of a debacle. We got a much later start than we had planned because Lily took a long morning nap. This seemed like a good thing because it allowed us to clean out the closet, but it in reality it meant we got to the stores just about the time they began to get busy. Lily obligingly fell asleep in the car on the way to the mall, and we had high hopes.

Once at the mall, however, she promptly woke up. She sat content in her stroller through exactly one store (babyGap), and then began to fuss. After a diaper change we transitioned her to the Moby wrap and headed toward our main destination, H&M. We had a good plan. Josh would shop for his clothes while I looked at the baby things. Then he would try his things on while I shopped for me. Then he would take Lily while I tried things on.

The plan had two flaws. I failed to take into account that H&M is a very popular store. The lines for the dressing rooms and check outs were each around thirty minutes long. I also failed to realize before getting into the long dressing room line, that it was time to feed the baby. Josh was already in his dressing room, so I was left trying to juggle the fussy baby while mixing up a bottle and pushing the stroller through the fitting room line, but, being halfway in, I didn't want to give up my spot! Needless to say, there was some screaming from her, rising blood pressure for me, and Josh, who could hear her from his room, hurrying to try on his things.

Once he came out, he took Lily and set in the floor in a corner and fed her while I hurried to try on a few things. I only tried on half of what I planned to because I felt bad about leaving my sad baby. The one thing I liked they didn't have in the right size and color! I found nothing. :(

Josh walked around trying to keep Lily content while I stood in the check out line for half an hour to purchase his items and one cute romper for Lily. Everyone around me was frustrated and muttering. It was really quite ridiculous. I know they have some good deals, and Josh always finds shirts he likes, but it is just not worth it to me to shop there.

We all three left hot, frustrated, and exhausted. With no energy to even go to any other stores, we headed home. In the car, I cried. Silly I know...it was just a shopping trip. It wasn't really a big deal. Still, I was sad. I was sad that I didn't have time to shop in any of the stores I like. I was sad that I left with nothing new and fun for me. I was sad and mad that one store was so frustrating and took so long. I was sad because I feel like my Spring break is almost over and these family days are drawing to an end. I felt like a bad mom because I didn't feed her before getting in the fitting room line. I felt selfish because deep down, for the first time, I was missing the ease of life before Lily. I honestly wished it was just Josh and I today, but I felt bad about feeling that way, thus I cried.

My husband, in his infinite wisdom, has, since we left the mall, managed to convinced me that it is ok to want to do things without her and that it is obviously more difficult to do things with her. He has promised me that soon we will get a babysitter and spend a day shopping, just the two of us. Part of me feels bad for wanting that, but most of me realizes that it is perfectly normal and that we should, at times, enjoy life as two instead of three. It is all just one of the many adjustments of motherhood.