Back to School...wow!

Let me start by saying that I'm tired. I think I've been tired for pretty much two straight weeks. So far the start of school, trying to start a new service project (more on that later), taking care of Lily, and growing this new little one are sort of kicking my butt. Honestly, it's mostly school. I feel like every year we teachers are being asked to do more and more with less and less. I have a team of a hundred and twenty students who each need special attention to be successful. Add to that the fact that I am team leader (which isn't a huge deal, but some added responsibility), now have lunch duty twice a week (which we didn't have before) and have another class in my room during one of my planning times, and I am really struggling to get everything done.

Hence the lack of blogging.

I do have things I want to say, including...
...Triangle Community Birth Stories - my new outreach project to expecting mom
...Serving others makes me happy (TCBS, Athens Moms, RRM, and Youth Group)
...Lily is growing and changing fast (I know...I say this a lot, but there are new things to tell!)
...Baby #2 - I have lots of comments and questions about that one!
...Keeping a clean house, and why today's women need help
...Planning a 1st Birthday Party
...I Need Community, and so do you
...Thank God for Helpful Friends!

I pray that someday soon, the dust will settle and I'll have time to write again...until then, don't worry about me, but do check on me!

Make Way for DucklingS

Did anyone notice that I changed the blog title a while back. Did anyone notice the "S"? Yep...it's true, we are expecting another little Duckling! We found out on June 30th. I had been a few days late, and told Josh I thought I might be pregnant again. I think we were both a little surprised. Don't get me wrong, we know how this happens, and we knew there was a possibility, but we just didn't expect it to happen so easily and so quickly.

In our past experience, we had to really work at getting pregnant. I think in some ways we thought you really had to have perfect timing and be very intentional. Turns out...that isn't always true. Not to be too graphic, but, honestly, there were very few opportunities for us to get pregnant, if you get my drift.

At first I think we both were in shock. I'll admit that I was a little upset. I think that most of my fears related to loosing Lily as my baby. I was afraid that I would start to change how I feel about her. I hear this is common among second time moms and have been assured that it is totally possibly to love two as much as I love one!

Now we are starting to get excited. I know it won't be easy to have two little ones, but I also think it will be great for Lily to have a close in age sibling!

P.S. you may have notice that the blog was rather sparse in the last three months. Turns out I've been writing some posts, but just couldn't share them without giving away baby #2. I've published them now if you care to go back and read them.

Starting to Show & Telling People

So, we haven't totally gone public with Baby Hall #2 yet, but I think I'm starting to show! I know it's super early (I'm only almost 11 weeks), but if you knew me really well, you would notice. Most people, though, would probably just assume it's left over tummy from Lily. Perhaps in one way it is, but I still find that my roll of flab is turning into more of a round firm tummy. It's sort of exciting. It starts to make this pregnancy seem more real.

Since I'm starting to show some, it's going to be pretty much impossible to not tell people soon. Already most of our family and close friends know. Josh has told his work friends. I start back to work in a week and I'll tell my work friends then. I have to be honest. I'm a little nervous. I feel bad taking maternity leave twice in two years. I just pray the sub they find for me is better than the one from last year! I think that after next weeks twelve week check up we'll go "facebook" public!

Ultrasound of Baby #2

Today we had our first ultrasound for Baby #2. I was excited about getting to see him or her for the first time and hear that precious heartbeat. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed. Not because anything was wrong. The "data" we got was all good. What made me leave there feeling down was the bedside manner of the ultrasound technician and the doctor. We decided to go to REX hospital instead of UNC because they could get us in a lot sooner, which was a mistake.

With Lily the people we saw always made us feel excited. At the first ultrasound, I remember them pointing out things and saying things like "listen to that strong heartbeat", or "look at those little leg buds". This technician, who wasn't even set up for an early ultrasound because she hadn't looked at my chart that closely, said absolutely nothing except to fuss at Josh who was trying to keep Lily happy. "Don't stand up, you might trip over that one electrical cord", "she can't eat cheerios in here", "I'm going to need you to be quiet", etc. She didn't even explain at all to me what she was doing (fortunately I've had an early, vaginal, ultrasound before or I'd have been really confused). She did play the heartbeat for maybe two seconds, but didn't say a word about it.

The doctor who came in introduced herself and said literally "It looks like you are about, um...how many weeks...oh eight...I mean seven." I honestly think that was all she was going to say, but I asked if everything looked good. Her response..."yes". Then I asked what the heart rate was. She looked at the technician who said "141". That was all...no more information was offered, so we left.

I was upset. I was sure, because of the way they made me feel, that something was wrong. But the reality is, as Josh helpfully pointed out on the way home, that all of the facts and details were good. There is a baby. It's in the right place. It's the right size. It has a heartbeat. All good. I was just feeling down because of the way their bedside manner influenced my perception of the facts. So, a word to all you medical professionals out there, know that how you treat your patients impacts their perception of their condition almost as much as the facts do!

The First Prenatal Visit - Take 2

Today we had our first prenatal visit for Baby Hall #2. It was pretty easy. They actually had a nurse call me last week and review my medical history so that part was already out of the way. The midwife (who was the same wonderful one who delivered Lily) remembered us and was very positive about seeing us again. I think that made us both a little more excited.

We reviewed the medical history and then did the physical part of the exam. Josh went with me, hoping they would either do a ultrasound or at least let us hear the heartbeat. Sadly, we weren't able to do either, but we do have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday. I'm looking forward to seeing and hearing this little one.

Yep...Definitely Pregnant

Today I think I really started to feel pregnant for the first time. For the last couple of weeks, I've feel pretty normal. In fact, I sometimes forget that I'm pregnant. Not today.

I'm not sure if it's the heat or just the fact that its week seven (which is when I started feeling yucky with Lily), but I have felt sort of crummy all day today. Not horrible, just not great. I woke up at 4am when Josh got up to take his brother to the airport and had to brush my teeth because the taste of my own mouth made me feel a little ill. That slightly ill feeling persisted all day.

By the afternoon, I was struggling. I could hardly stand to do the grocery shopping and the fact my house smelled like cookies made me slightly nauseous. How sad is that? A friend baked me cookies at my house, and I couldn't appreciate it. I had that slightly nauseous extremely exhausted feeling that I remember very well from when Lily was little. All I wanted to do was rest. That's a lot harder though, now that I have Lily to entertain.

Luckily, I got to nap while Lily napped, which helped some. Then my wonderful husband came home and cooked me dinner, and my precious baby played sweetly in the floor, while I laid on the couch, which helped a lot! Still, I am pretty sure the next few weeks might be a bit tough.

Schools out for Summer!

It hit me this morning. I woke up and realized I didn't have to go to work! (Well, I did have to go in for a few minutes and sign in, but that hardly counts!). Words can not express how excited I am about this first summer with Lily. We are going to have so much fun.

At one point I got a bit freaked out when I looked at my plans for the summer. Between travel and summer school, my calendar was already full! This first week off is quite busy as my friend Star is coming to town and we are going to VA for my nephew's second birthday. We also have some plans to go to visit our family over the July 4th weekend and an Ocracoke trip the first of August. It's all very fun stuff, but I was feeling my summer slipping by too quickly before it even started!

Thus, I went back and forth about whether or not I wanted to teach summer school. I've taught the past three years, and actually really enjoy it. It's good money, good hours (8-12), and a good opportunity for me to get to know my upcoming struggling students. At first I had signed up to do the whole month of July, but started to feel remorseful and proposed my teaching partner teach half. I wasn't sure if the school would let us, but everyone agreed! Thus, I only teach the last two week of July. That gives me a full five weeks free (give or take some vacation)!

I can't wait to to take Lily to the pool, to the museum, and to hang out with all of her little friends! Not to mention having time myself to do things around the house and hang out with my friends! It is going to be quite lovely.

To Pump or Not To Pump, That is the Question

Well, it's not really a question anymore. I made a decision. I can no longer pump twice a day at work. There just isn't time. When I had a student teacher, it was much easier. Now that I'm in charge of all classroom responsibilities, and especially with the oncoming testing, there is just no way for me to do it twice a day.

I've been struggling with it for a few weeks. Then, on Saturday, I hung out with a friend who is also nursing a little one. She has decided to start weening her five month old daughter exclusively to bottles. She has a two year old as well and just can't find time for all those feedings during the day when her baby nurses forty-five minutes, but takes a bottle in ten! Her candid discussion of her struggle helped me realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with changing "the plan" if it's what is best for you and baby.

My plan was to give her breast milk exclusively for a whole year. I've already had to let go of that a bit by giving her formula supplements when she was tiny and from time to time when we are out and it was most convenient. At seven months old, giving her one bottle of formula a day is no big deal. I still plan to nurse her before work, give her one pumped bottle during the day, and nurse her when I'm home in the evening. We will still have that special time before I put her to bed. She will still get way more breast milk than formula.

When I think about how much simpler it makes my work day, I have no idea why I didn't make this decision earlier. I am a bit sad, but overall I am relieved. My only hope is that when I'm home in the summer, my milk will come back so that I don't have to give her formula then. I guess that remains to be seen.

**By the way, check out this pewter breast pump from the 1830's! How grateful am I for my dual battery powered one!

Feeding Lily

Can I just say how much I love nursing Lily! It was not easy at first. Sore nipples and her lack of weight gain almost made me give it up, but I am eternally grateful that I didn't. Now that I'm back at work, it is such a special time for us to share each morning before I leave for work and a great way to reconnect when I get home. I do truly treasure each opportunity to nurse her. (Mr.Sophie even likes to be part of this special family time!)

The flip side of feeding her now that I'm back at work is the pumping. I am very fortunate that a friend who is out on leave has let me use her office. It is really a perfect spot because it is close to my room, off the busy student halls, and pretty private. The first few times I was there pumping I was quite self conscious about the sound of the pump and the fact that the door wouldn't lock me in. I was also disappointed with how little I was able to pump. After a few times I figured out that I could put a chair in front of the door to insure a bit more security and watch hulu on my computer to cover any sound. Surprisingly, or not maybe not so surprisingly, I began to be able to pump more. Now I'm pretty much able to pump enough to cover what she eats in a day.

I'm sure that in some ways it would be easier to give her formula, but, for me, the extra effort is totally worth it!

A Rough Week

My first week back to work was great and I was glad to be back. This week, however was pretty rough. Last week I got to go home right after school and had Lily in my arms by 3:45 every day. This week I had to stay after school for parent conferences until 6pm on Tuesday. Had a late faculty meeting until 5pm on Wednesday, and had to go to a doctor appointment after work on Thursday. Throw in my nanny's son getting hurt at school and Josh having to be at work early on Friday and this week turned into a scheduling nightmare.

I don't like disorder or change of routine. I hated being away from Lily so much. I began to doubt that returning to work was really what I wanted to do. I cried more than once including about an hour long mid-day stretch on Tuesday because I just didn't know what to do. I felt like a bad mom and a bad teacher because I knew that neither was getting all of me because I was worried about the other. Now that we are past it, I can look back and see that everything worked out just fine, and Lily probably hardly noticed, but at the time it was really tough. For now I'll just celebrate the weekend and pray that weeks like this are few and far between.


P.S. It's almost 10pm on Saturday and I just really realized that yesterday was Lily's four month birthday...they are seriously coming too fast!

Back to Work

Well, I survived the first week back at work. Tuesday was my first day back to work and it went surprisingly well. Getting out the door that morning was a bit rough. Lily unexpectedly woke up at 5am and I had to feed her. I had just gotten back to sleep when my alarm went off at 6. I did not want to get out of bed. After a couple of snoozes (I'm a snooze button junkie) I got up and got myself ready. Then I had a dilemma. Do I wake the baby now (at 7) after just two hours of sleep to feed her before I leave? Do I not and let Josh give her a bottle around 8? I can't pump until 11, what about my overabundance of milk?

In my emotional state, the stress of making this decision almost pushed me over the edge. There were some tears, but my wonderful husband reminded me that there really wasn't a wrong decision and I chose to wake her up. I think it was the right decision because it was really nice to get that sweet time with her before I had to leave. Putting her down was a bit tough and there were a few more tears as I got the last of my things together to head out the door.

In the car I had to switch from the sappy Country radio to Bob and the Showgram to keep me from tearing up again, but I managed, and once I actually got to school I was fine. The students were all excited to have me back, which was nice, and I have so much to do to get back in the swing that I didn't hardly have time to think about what was going on at home.

Of course I did call and text to check in, but, as usually, Lily did great. A bit short on the naps, but good overall. The pumping at work was a bit disappointing as I didn't get as much milk as I would have liked, but I hope that will get better as my body gets used to the new pattern. At the end of the day, I hightaled it out of there right behind the buses and was home just before 4. Lily was happy to see me and ready to eat...perfect!

The rest of the week went smoother. She took better naps and I was able to pump more. I didn't even have any more tears. We both seem to be settling into a new normal routine.

Snow Days

Ok...so I know these don't really count as snow days since I'm not even really back at work yet, but I have to say that I've really relished these last days home with little Lily. They seem like extra little stolen bits of wonderfulness! You see, Tuesday was supposed to be our first day with her new nanny. She was going to come and spend the day shadowing us to get a feel for Lily's routine. Then today I was going to leave Lily with her and go out for part of the day. *

As much as I know I have to go back to work. As much as I think it will probably be good for me to go back to work. As much as I know that Lily will be well taken care of. I dreaded Tuesday coming. When I got the two calls that told me school was canceled Tuesday and today, which meant our nanny would be with her kids, not coming here, I rejoiced.

Lily and I have spent the last two days at home enjoying each other. Yesterday we went back to sleep after her morning feeding and didn't even get out of our pajamas all day. We have had extra snuggle time and even took a nap curled up together in my bed. We've been able to establish a good eating and sleeping schedule, and had lots of fun play time. She has been a super happy, smiley, and talkative baby, and I've loved every minute of it.

I sit here writing this with Lily on my lap and tears streaming down my face. These two extra days have been a real blessing, but I'm afraid they are making this even harder by prolonging the inevitable. I just have to hope that there are a few more snow days before this winter is over!

*This photo was taken of Lily's first snow a few weeks before Christmas. This most recent one was not nearly as pretty.

Returning to Work

I've been working on this post ever since our return from the holidays, but, to be honest, it makes me upset every time I sit down to write it, so it's taken a while to publish.

I am absolutely dreading returning to work. There...I said it, well, wrote it.

Don't get me wrong. I totally miss teaching. I miss my students. I miss the people I work with. I miss lesson planning (I can't say I miss grading). It has been hard for me to trust someone else with my classes. If I could go to work and take Lily with me, I'd go tomorrow.

What I dread is the leaving her behind. I just can't imagine going through a day without feeding her every few hours or napping with her on me on the couch. I've gotten so accustom to having her with me wherever I go, I feel like there will be a void without her. I also know that part of this is my acknowledged control freak tendency. I know part of me feels like I am the only one who knows how to take care of her. Logically, I know that isn't true, but every time I think about it, I cry.

I know that she will be taken care of. I know that we are incredibly lucky to have in home care by a friend we trust. I know that as a teacher my day ends fairly early and I'll have a lot of time home with her. I know that I'll have Spring break, and Summer, and hopefully some snow days. Yet somehow none of this helps the way I feel every time I think about it.

Just this past week I've had the opportunity to talk to several other working moms, and they've all said the same thing. It is hard, but the anticipation of it is worse than the reality. They said that after a few days you get used to the new reality, and you are busy with work, and you don't worry as much. With only nine days until I go back, I sincerely hope that they are right!

Nanny Annie

A few months ago a friend, who's daughter was born in May, was was telling me about their struggle to find child care. It appears that many of the good day care centers in our area have waiting lists! I was shocked and instantly stressed. Even thought our baby was months away at that point, I began looking into child care for our little one, and didn't like what I was finding.

Josh and I both grew up going to in home day care. His "Granny" and my "Nanny" were not actual family members but older women who took care of their own grand kids plus a few extras in their homes. This was very common in the small town where we grew up and I don't think there even were any day care centers. Most people stayed with family members or people that were like family. Sadly, all of our family is far away.

Around here it seems like there are very few options other than large day care centers or turning your baby over to a unregulated stranger (which is scary). We briefly discussed having Josh's mom help out, but they live too far away and have no plans of moving, so that really wasn't practical. As we began looking into this further, Josh and I both felt strongly that there had to be another option.

One night as we were discussing this our friend Annie came to mind. Annie is an amazing mom of two school age kids. Her schedule is somewhat flexible and we knew she would be an awesome nanny. We tossed the idea around in our heads for a wondering if there was a chance that she would want to take care of our baby? We both thought probably not...but how amazing would that be. It is sort of a tricky subject and we didn't know how to broach it. We certainly didn't want her to feel pressured.

One morning a few weeks later, as we had brunch with Annie and her kids, Josh, semi-jokingly, asked "Hey Annie, would you want to take care of our baby?" We were both pretty sure she would laugh it off, but, to our surprise, she looked thoughtful for a minute and then asked if we were serious. As it turns out, she was considering a career change and had sort of been hoping for something just like this! Is that a God thing or what?

Of course we had some details to work out, but now everything is set to begin in January when I have to return to work. Our little girl is the luckiest girl in the world. Josh and I both feel relief that our baby won't just be a number at a day care and confident in Annie's ability to take great care of our daughter (after all, her own daughter is an amazing teenager, which is quite an anomaly!). How special is it that our daughter will have someone caring for her who has cared about her and prayed for her before she was even conceived!?!

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's Back to Work I Go!

Ok, so I have to be honest...I am NOT looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I feel bad for saying that since I've had three months off and I know I'm probably going to only work a month or so, but the end of summer has really sneaked up on me. A few weeks ago, summer felt endless. Sure I had a to do list, but there was plenty of time to get it all done. Now, I am feeling quite stressed.

There is still quite a long list of things to accomplish before the baby comes and I am afraid that now that I'm working all day I will not have the energy to get any of it done at night. I guess I'll still have the weekends, but there are only five of those before her due date. What if she comes early?!? I still have no dresser or sheets for the crib and cradle. I need to wash and sort all of her clothes. We need to write our birth plan and pack our bag for the hospital. The ceiling fan in our bedroom needs to be hung. There are no curtains or artwork in the nursery yet (thanks to my delay, not my amazing friends who are creating for me). The list goes on and on!

I'm sure we'll get some of it done, and people assure me that I'll never really feel ready for her. I've also been told it will be good to work and keep myself from dwelling on how long it's taking her to arrive. While that may be true, and realistically I know that the time I have had off is a luxury most women don't ever get, it doesn't make my sadness and stress any less. Sometimes I wish I lived in a time and/or place where pregnancy and child birth were seen as a time when a woman isn't expected to also work, but I'll save my real rant on that for another post. For now, I'm off to bed. I have to be up early :(

P.S. Upon re-reading this post it sounds a bit whiny...Sorry, but I guess that's part of keeping it real. Tonight I feel whiny!