The Soothing Phenomenon

Last night Josh and I had dinner with some friends who have a two week old baby and I got some new insight into what I call the soothing phenomenon. You all know what I'm talking about. This is the phenomenon when the new parents are at the end of their rope. They have tried everything they can think of to soothe their fussy little one. They are sure nothing will work and she will never stop crying. Then, a friend stops by. After just a few minutes in this friends arms, the baby is calm and asleep. The new parents are relieved and frustrated at the same time.

This happened for Josh and I shortly after Lily was born. We were struggling, she was fussing, and God sent Rae to save us. Rae, who has a self proclaimed dislike of babies, took Lily and almost instantly soothed her. I was relieved, but baffled. The same thing happened when my friend Fiona came over. I watched them and tried to figure out what they did, but it didn't work for me. I didn't understand. Now, though, after soothing my friends baby last night, I think I get it.

It has nothing to do with the friends expertise. The baby most definitely doesn't "like" the friend more than her parents. I think it has to do with being relaxed. Every knew parent knows that their baby can sense their stress and anxiety and it makes them more fussy. Still, I think it is truly impossible not to feel stressed when you are tired and your baby is crying and you don't know why. Your friend however doesn't feel that same stress. They know they won't be up all night. They don't fear they are doing the wrong thing. They might even enjoy the fussy little bundle.

I think that is what is at the root of the soothing phenomenon. I don't know that this is really a helpful discovery though, because, as I noted, it's not really possible to relax when you are the parent. In fact, telling new parents to relax and enjoy their screaming baby is ludicrous. I think the best I can do for my friend is being willing to come when she needs me and hold the baby screaming or calm. It also can't hurt to remind her that these tough weeks are so short, even though in the middle of the storm it seems like they will never end.