On Friday Lily had to go to the hospital for an ultrasound related to some strawberry hemangiomas she has (they aren't a big deal, but the doctors just want to cover all the bases). She did great, didn't even really fuss, and watched Spongebob on the TV in the ultrasound room most of the time.
I, on the other hand, struggled way more than I expected to. From the moment I started across the bridge from the parking deck to the hospital, I was on the verge of tears. Entering and walking through the building almost toppled me. The funny thing is, it wasn't because I was worried about the tests or about her now. It was because of the flood of negative memories that overtook me.
It makes me sad. When you have a baby you should have positive memories of the experience. But, from the stress of being induced, to the pain of labor (which wasn't followed by holding my precious one, but by having her whisked away), to the lonely post labor room, to visits to the cold NICU, to being told I was being discharged and she wasn't, and to that first scary night together in the sleep room, it wasn't a great experience. It was the toughest and scariest week of my life.
Walking through those halls again and smelling that hospital smell brought it all rushing back. I pushed the tears away and pushed through, but I am in no hurry to go back there anytime soon. If it wasn't for the fear that something would go wrong (like it did with Lily) I'd have my next one at home!
As you know, I have similar stuff. I think one of the things that really freaks me out is traveling on the same road as my accident around the same time of morning every day now. Thinking of you.
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ReplyDeleteMamie,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that Lily's birth experience was bittersweet. As a fellow mommy who had a similar experience (I didn't hold Josiah until almost day 2 of his life since he was taken for observation due to his lung lesion and I was recovering from a C-section), let me share that for me the pain decreases a little bit at a time. 2.5 years ago, I thought about the birth and my sadness related to the difficulties and hardship frequently. Now I just marvel that my little baby has become this remarkable young boy. I still remember those first few hard days but don't really feel the overwhelming emotions anymore because I have gradually been able to put it all in perspective and resolve the emotions. I pray that each passing day you have with Lily will make the intensity of the emotions related to those hard memories diminish.