The NICU Messes With Your Head

Because Lily had aspirated meconium and had her cord compressed during birth she spent her four days in the hospital in the NICU. Let me tell you, that is not an easy thing for a mom to live through. It is really tough to see your tiny helpless infant strapped to all of those wires and cords and tubes. It makes holding them difficult (when you get to hold them) and feeding them even more tricky. It's hard to spend much time there visiting, let alone nursing, because it's just not a private place. This was hard for Josh too. Having not spent much time with babies at all, it was even more difficult for him to manipulate one with all those cords and he wanted me to have as much time with her as I could, so it really limited his time holding her. But what is worse than all that is the way it messes with your head.

For me, I began to see my little Lily, who was full term and mostly healthy, as very fragile. I began to look to the monitors constantly to make sure she was ok. Every ding or beep made me afraid that something was wrong (when usually it just meant a kink in some wire). The first night I had Lily in the room with me without the monitors I kept freaking out and wondering how I would know if something was wrong. I realize, of course, that I can look at my baby and know how she is doing, but I still think that her time in the NICU left lingering doubts in my head about her well being. I just have to keep reminding myself that she is fine and healthy now.