When Lily Cries...

...my heart breaks. As I sit here writing this post, Josh is upstairs rocking Lily and trying to comfort her and get her to sleep. This afternoon has been a bit of a rough one. I think Lily might be going through a growth spurt and is having a tough time napping because she thinks she is hungry. She hasn't really had a nap since 10am, which is very uncommon for her. Granted she has slept five minutes here and twenty minutes there, but in between she has nursed a lot, had bottles of breast milk and formula, and fussed way more than normal.

This is the hardest thing on a mom, or at least it is on me. I feel like she should be well fed (she nursed for a long time and had a bottle). She has a clean diaper. She is swaddled safe and warm. But still, she is not happy. I'm pretty sure she is exhausted, but I'm not sure how to fix it. Some say to let her cry. We've tried that, and it does work sometimes, but it is excruciating for me and doesn't always work. I try to cuddle and comfort her, but if I hold her she thinks she should be eating more even though I have nothing more to give her. So, Josh is giving it a try and...as of about three minutes ago...there is quiet! I pray it lasts.

Baby Poops!

I knew that babies poop a lot. I had heard that a newborn will go through as many as ten diapers a day. Still, I was not really prepared for the quantity of poop that Lily would generate. It is truly shocking. At this point, Lily is four weeks old and we have gone through at least 250 diapers*! That's not including all of the ones she used that first week in the hospital.

Granted, a few of those diapers were "wasted" because she peed or pooped as I was in the changing process. Which, is also shocking by the way. I've heard of baby boys spraying their parents, but never expected it from my little girl. Apparently, if she needs to go bad enough, she can get quite some spray. Needless to say, I've learned quickly to open the diaper and wait posed to recover!

The other shocking thing about Lily's poops is the sound. You definitely know when she has filled her diaper because you can hear it from across the room! It is hard to imagine that such a precious little one can generate the grossest squishy sound. Josh tends to turn his head and walk away every time he hears it (although he has changed a few). She also makes this really funny face! It is so funny that we decided to capture it on film! You can watch it here! Make sure to let it play all the way through to the end.

*A note about diapers - We've set up an Amazon Mom account to "subscribe" to diapers (and formula) which we found to be the best deal. We have now tried three different kinds and Pampers Baby Dry are the ones with the least amount of leaks. Lily's little legs are so small that the Target and Babies-R-Us brand diapers all had very leaky legs, which led to changes of clothes for Lily (and sometime me) every time she pooped.

Life with Lily!

Life with Lily is finally settling in. Once we started feeding her enough, we discovered that she is really a very good baby. She eats well, has some happy awake time, and then goes to sleep. We've been able to take her out quite a bit. Last Friday we went to Josh's DRT concert and she was great! She's been to Target, the mall, Parker and Otis, and even Weaver Street (which celebrated her first visit with a marching band!).

The fact that she is pretty easy to take out is absolutely wonderful for me. We go somewhere almost every day. While I love her more than words and do spend a large amount of time holding her and looking at her, I also get a bit bored. For me, going out to visit friends or shopping has been an essential part of feeling normal! Josh and I live a pretty active life and I'm so happy that Lily seems to be ready for it!

Now I'm just trying to decide what is the best vehicle for taking her out. She loves to be in her car seat in the car or a stroller, and most of the time I just leave her in there, but I'm debating other methods of carrying her. We've tried her in the Moby wrap some around the house and she likes it sometimes, but also gets upset fairly easily. A friend loaned me a Slingaroo sling to try, and while she was content in it, I thought it was a little uncomfortable for me. I also have a Jeep version of a baby bjorn a friend gave us, which I want to try. I've also heard wonderful things about the Ergo carrier and would like to try one of those. Any suggestions/ideas?

First Family Photos

Welcome Lily Jayne Hall!

This past weekend my friend Star flew up from Florida to visit with us and take some pictures of Lily. She is a truly amazing photographer and I LOVE the shots we got. Here are a few samples.



More are available on facebook, and even more on Star's photography site. Let me know if you'd like access to all of them!

3 Weeks Old!

Wow...I can't believe Lily is three weeks old. On one hand it seems like time has flown by and on the other they have been some of the longest three weeks of my life. I'm over blogger block enough now to admit that it has been really tough and there have been a lot of tears. I blame most of them on the hormones, but this whole being a mom thing really is the toughest thing I've ever done.

You see, I'm a person who likes to be in control and do the "right" thing. As it turns out, this is not possible with a infant. I have spent many hours wondering and worrying if I am doing what is right for Lily, but now am starting to realize that I have to trust my instinct and realize that as long as I love her (which I do more than I ever thought possible), feed her, and change her diaper, she'll be fine.

As noted in the last post, the feeding piece has been a bit of a challenge. But today, perhaps because time has passed, perhaps because of the good report from the doctor, perhaps because of receding hormones, I finally feel somewhat at peace for the first time since before her birth. I can feel myself starting to trust that everything is going to be okay and that Josh and I can do this.

I want to say a huge thank you to all of you who have shared your wisdom and support these first weeks. You have no idea how much it has helped both of us when we felt at our wits end to know that others had been there and survived. We are so blessed to have such an amazing group of family and friends.

Feeding Lily

So, the first few days Lily was home we thought she was going to be an amazing baby because she would eat, then sleep for a long time. Come to find out, that's not really that great. After two weeks Lily had not gained any weight. Apparently she was to sleepy because she was hungry and yet too tired to nurse. After a few days, this started to make her quite fussy because she wanted to eat, but then fell asleep eating, but then was upset to still be hungry. We hit a wall of trying everything we could think of to soothe her vs. allowing her to cry (which is torture for mom!). Turns out that the poor thing was running on low batteries. So, this week we started supplementing her nursing with some bottles.

At first I was really upset about this. I really wanted to nurse her exclusively, and felt like something of a failure for not being able to provide enough for her. I started to wonder what I had done wrong along the way. But, thanks to the encouragement of some good friends and Josh, I've come to terms with it. She only gets a few ounces of formula or a few of pumped breast milk along with her normal nursing, and it has made a world of difference! She can now have some happy awake time (for the first time) and sleeps soundly when she is asleep. Josh enjoys being able to comfort her. It is wonderful for all of us. In the last four days, she has gained 8 ounces, and at three weeks, she is back above her birth weight at 7lb 3oz!

Blogger Block

I think I have blogger's block. Every time I sit down to blog I feel overwhelmed by all the things I want to share. There have been so many new experiences the last few days: the first night alone with her at the hospital, bringing her home, the first pediatrician visit, feeding, sleeping, diapering, crying, the first bath, visiting with family and friend, and much more. But, every time I sit down to write, I get emotional and things don't seem to come out right. Overall our little girl is precious. We are struggling a bit to get into a routine where she will sleep without having to nurse to pacify herself, but on the whole she eats, sleeps, and diapers well. I think that is about all we can ask for as parents of a two week old.

Life in the Hospital & Beautiful, Helpful People

I'm not going to lie, it was no fun living in the hospital. I was a patient from Monday, the 27th - Thursday the 29th and a resident while Lily was still a patient through the 31st with only two short trips out of the hospital for around an hour each. It was rough to be a patient, and even rougher to be discharged and have Lily still there.

As a patient there were constantly people coming in to check on or talk to us. I was really amazed at all of the different representatives that had to visit us at some point. It was quite funny to have someone come in to check my vitals only to have my nurse come in a half hour later and do the same thing. There were representatives of all sorts of hospital groups and patient relations. The most humorous was the anesthesiologist (or probably a resident) who came in while I was in labor to make sure my "airway wasn't compromised" in case they were needed. He stood no closer than three feet from the bed, never touched me, and had me open my mouth and stick out my tongue.

Then there was the hospital food. It is shocking how little healthy food is available in the hospital. I did get three meals a day while I was there, but they were astoundingly heavy and not at all what I was in the mood for at any point in time. There were biscuits and gravy, two lunches of fried chicken, and something called beef and broccoli that looked disgusting. The cafeteria wasn't much better. The options there were mostly pizza, burgers, etc. Luckily we had some friends bring in Panera and Josh was able to go out and get us some healthier options.

It was truly the most exhausting and frustrating five days of my life. There were, however, some amazingly beautiful people that made things as good as they could be given the situation. I had an amazing birth team and all of the nurses that took care of me in my postpartum room were fantastic. They were great at being compassionate to our specific situation and truly made me feel like they cared about us. The NICU nurses and doctors (with the exception of one "old school" nurse) taking care of Lily were also fantastic. They did everything they could to accommodate us and try to do what was best for everyone involved. Even the lactation consultants, although a bit pushy at times, were amazing in advocating for us to get a sleep room once I was discharged and Lily was still in the hospital. All in all we were very blessed to have such beautiful, helpful people taking care of us all. Still, it is very nice to be home!

The NICU Messes With Your Head

Because Lily had aspirated meconium and had her cord compressed during birth she spent her four days in the hospital in the NICU. Let me tell you, that is not an easy thing for a mom to live through. It is really tough to see your tiny helpless infant strapped to all of those wires and cords and tubes. It makes holding them difficult (when you get to hold them) and feeding them even more tricky. It's hard to spend much time there visiting, let alone nursing, because it's just not a private place. This was hard for Josh too. Having not spent much time with babies at all, it was even more difficult for him to manipulate one with all those cords and he wanted me to have as much time with her as I could, so it really limited his time holding her. But what is worse than all that is the way it messes with your head.

For me, I began to see my little Lily, who was full term and mostly healthy, as very fragile. I began to look to the monitors constantly to make sure she was ok. Every ding or beep made me afraid that something was wrong (when usually it just meant a kink in some wire). The first night I had Lily in the room with me without the monitors I kept freaking out and wondering how I would know if something was wrong. I realize, of course, that I can look at my baby and know how she is doing, but I still think that her time in the NICU left lingering doubts in my head about her well being. I just have to keep reminding myself that she is fine and healthy now.

Lily is 1 Week Old!

And what a week it has been. Sorry I haven't had more time to blog, but I'm sure all you parents out there can understand. It has been the most wonderful, terrible, exciting, scary, emotional, exhausting week I could ever imagine, and there is so much to say I don't even know where to start. I have a back log of about 10 things I want to post, but I guess I'll start at the beginning and commemorate the day of Lily's birth by telling the story of her birth.

I went in for a doctor appointment last Monday, the 27th, because I was one week past due. They scheduled a non-stress test and ultrasound to check on the baby. The ultrasound revealed that she was low on amniotic fluid and the doctor recommended induction. I was quite upset about this because I had really wanted a natural labor, but how do you refuse when the alternative could be harmful to your baby. So, Josh and I came home, packed a few things, and returned to the hospital at 8pm.

The did a foly bulb catheter through my cervix to put weight on it and help it start to open, gave me an ambien, and we all went to sleep. We woke up the next morning and began the pitocin induction. They started out at very low level and ramped it up from there, and while I had contractions on the monitor, I didn't feel any until around 4:30 that afternoon. Josh and I had just been discussing how slow things were going when I heard (or maybe felt) may water break. When it broke the midwife discovered that there was some meconium (or baby poop) in the water. She explained that this was common, but that they would have a NICU team on hand at the delivery just in case.

Honesty, I don't remember much of the time between 4:30 and 11:40 that night. I know that there was a lot of painful contractions, many position changes, and at least one moment when I considered getting an epidural. But, with the help of my amazing husband, great doula, and a team of two midwives and a nurse, I pushed (literally) through. I do know that I ended up pushing for around two hours and that the baby was crowning for about fourty-five minutes. It hurt. That's all I can really say about that.

At 11:41pm little Lily entered the world. As it turns out she had aspirated some meconium and had her cord compressed along the side of her head during birth, so they quickly cut the cord and took her to the NICU team. It was incredibly scary to not know how she was doing. Josh followed her and was watching them as they had to suction her lungs and give her oxygen. At first she was limp and greyish, but as soon as she heard Josh's voice talking to her, she opened her eyes and looked at him.

They were able to bring her and let me hold her for a few minutes before taking her to the NICU, which gave me some assurance that she was not in too bad of shape, but it was still very scary. That night was a tough one as we were taken to see her in her bubble for about five minutes and couldn't even hold her, then returned to our room without her. Out of exhaustion, we slept. The midwives, doula, and nurses were all very reassuring that this was not all that uncommon and that she would be better in no time. Thank goodness they were all right!

Welcome to the World Lily Jayne Hall

Lily Jayne Hall made her entrance into the world last night just before midnight weighing 7 pounds 1 once and measuring 22 inches long. She is absolutly precious! Because she swallowed some meconium, she is currently spending a little time in the NICU, but we've been to visit and she is doing well. We hope to hold and feed her today. I'll post pictures as soon as we get a chance to upload then.

Off to the Hospital

So we are home, but only for a moment. We head back to the hospital at 8pm tonight to be induced. The results of the non-stress test were great. Her heart rate looked good and she had good movement. The problem came with the ultrasound. It seems that my amniotic fluid levels are pretty low. Because of this, they highly recommend induction.

I have to admit, I'm pretty sad. I really do not love the idea of spending the night, or several nights, in the hospital. I'm scared that induction means more pain and more chance of C-Section. It makes me upset that instead of being excited about labor starting at home, I'm anxious about going into the hospital. This is not the plan, and it's hard for me to give up on the plan.

But, in the end, I would never want to sacrifice my little girl's well being because of my plan. So, we are off to the hospital. Again, praying folks, I appreciate any and all of your prayers!

+ 6 days

As of today, I am six days late and there don't really seem to be any signs of Baby Hall. This cartoon is so true, it's not even funny! I think we are all, especially the soon to be grandparents, getting very excited.

Since I am almost a week late, we are scheduled for a non-stress test at 2:30 today which, frankly, is causing me some stress. It's funny. I don't mind waiting at all for her to come. In fact, I'm feeling surprisingly patient, but, what I am afraid of, is that the fact she is late will lead to more chance of unnecessary medical interventions.

There is a part of me that is scared that I'll go in for that test today and they won't let me come home. On the other hand, I feel selfish for thinking that because if they don't I'm sure it's for the baby's health and that is ultimately and significantly more important than doing things "my way". Perhaps that is part of what I'm really afraid of, that something will be wrong.

Grrr...despite my efforts to be rational about it all, I feel the crazies setting in a bit. Please pray, if you are praying folk, that everything will be fine today and that labor will start on it's own soon!

I'll Wait!

You know...this being "late" thing is interesting. Yes, it's true that my little girls due date was three days ago, but what does that really mean? I don't really believe that you can or should schedule birth for a specific date. For most of history and in most areas of the world women don't have specific days that their babies are due. Many only have a vague idea of "the end of September", if that. The only reason I feel any impatience is this imposed medical structure, which doesn't really mean anything.

While it is true that I am excited about meeting her, and Josh and I both struggle to be patient, I really do believe that she will come when she is ready. There were two of my friends who were also expecting this week, and both of them have had their babies already. While you might think I would find this frustrating, they also both ended up having c-sections. I don't know the details of their birth situations, but I can't help but think that when we get in a hurry we increase our chances of unnecessary medical interventions.

While I appreciate all the prayers, thoughts, and well wishes. I don't really feel like I need sympathy, apologies, or condolences. If given the choice of waiting and allowing her birth to be natural, or being in a hurry and doing "whatever it takes" to get her here, I'll wait! I feel super blessed that I'm not miserable, or really even that uncomfortable. I'm sleeping well and the carpal tunnel in my hand has gone away. I'm going to try to enjoy these days I have to hang out with friends and relax before she comes!

P.S. This doesn't mean that I wasn't upset with Josh for choosing October 2nd in his office birth pool and don't get mad at my sister when she suggested her birthday, October 5th!

This Song Made Me Cry

This song made me cry this morning on the way to work. I'm just so tired of going to work, and I'd rather be home snuggling my little one!

Porcelain Doll Chatham County Line

Hush now my baby - Hush my Porcelain Doll
Your papa has you in his arms and he won't let you fall
The wind might rock your cradle, the earth itself may shake
But I'll be here for you, if the bough does break
Anything at all - My Porcelain Doll

Look at the little feet - Look at the little hands
There is something there that only I can understand
I'm here to protect you and keep you safe from harm
If you could spend your whole life wrapped up in my arms
In a little ball - My Porcelain Doll

Someday you'll be older - go of on your own
Out into the world and build a brand new home
But I want you to know as the years they pass us by
I'll be here for you, until the day I die
For anything at all - My Porcelain Doll