10 Weeks, YAY!

Ok, I know that conventional wisdom says that 12 weeks is the point at which a pregnancy is "out of the woods", but I am extremely happy to have made it to 10 weeks and the end of February. I know that it might be a bit superstitious, but this whole pregnancy was way to similar to the first one for my comfort. All along, I just couldn't wait for February to be over and for the 10 week mark to get here. Now, it's here and gone, and it makes me happy!

This joy is not totally based in superstition. My doctor did tell me that it was really at 10 weeks, not 12, that the rate of miscarriage drops to 5%, which is what it will be for the rest of the pregnancy. I'm still not a huge fan of those odds, and I think I'll always be somewhat worried, but I'm starting to feel much more positive that things are going to work out this time.

So Tired

I am SO tired. Every day about 2pm I get this feeling like there is no way I can make it to the end of the day. I know I only have one class left, but it is a daunting, rowdy 8th period. All I want to do is go home and lay on my couch. Thank God I have a student teacher who is helping me or I don't think I'd make it! Some tell me this will get better once the first trimester is over, others tell me it will only get worse. Please tell me that it will get better, I'm not used to feeling so exhausted.

Babycenter.com

Back when I first found out I was pregnant, I signed up at babycenter.com. I really like this site. They send me weekly updates on what is going on and what I could be feeling, but they don't crowd my inbox with junk. I especially enjoy the pictures that come with the emails. It is almost too amazing to believe that is inside of me!

Here is a snippet of this week's update: "Although he's barely the size of a kumquat -- a little over an inch or so long, crown to bottom -- and weighs less than a quarter of an ounce, your baby now has completed the most critical portion of his development. This is the beginning of the so-called fetal period, a time when the tissues and organs in his body rapidly grow and mature. If you could take a peek inside your womb, you'd spot minute details, like tiny nails forming on fingers and toes (no more webbing) and peach-fuzz hair beginning to grow on tender skin."

Isn't that amazing! I LOVE knowing what is going on.

The First Prenatal Visit

Today was my first official prenatal visit. We decided to go with the UNC Midwives so we could get a bit more personal care. There are six midwives in the practice compared to many many doctors. I should get more hands on care during labor and delivery while still having all that UNC hospital offers right down the hall.

I met the first of the midwives today and she was very nice. She made me feel very comfortable and answered all my questions without making me feel like I was being difficult, and I did have a lot of questions! They did all the normal prenatal stuff. They made me pee in a cup, took four vials of blood, did a pap smear, and made me get a seasonal and H1N1 flu shot.

After much set up about how she might not be able to find a heart beat with a hand held doppler and how I shouldn't worry if she didn't find it, there was a good strong quick heartbeat of 164 bpm. Several people have told me that a faster heart beat may mean it's a girl, but I'm not putting too much stake in that. I was just happy that there was a good strong heart beat. So far, everything seems very good!

Telling the Folks

This weekend Josh and I went home to Virginia to tell our families about the baby. Aside from me coming down with a little stomach bug, it was a great weekend!

On Friday night, we met Josh's parents for dinner. For some reason I was nervous about telling them, but Josh just sort of blurted it out and they were very excited! Josh's dad called the waitress over so he could tell her. On the way home he got on the phone almost instantly and started telling everyone. The next day they got Josh's old crib out of the basement and started getting it ready so the baby will have a place at their house. Josh's grandmother said it was the best news she's heard in a long time.

Saturday we went to my house and told all of my family. They too were very excited. Like Josh's family, my Mom wanted to call people and tell them right away! One of my second cousins started sobbing on the phone. I think my sister and brother-in-law were the most excited. It will be so much fun for their son to have a cousin who is just a year younger. Christmas at my parent's house will never be the same!

We did notice one interesting thing as we were telling everyone. We would say that we were expecting and they would show some slight excitement, but would almost instantly ask how far along we are. After we said we were almost ten weeks, there was almost always a sigh of relief and then real joy. I know what they are thinking and feeling because we've thought and felt it too. The worry that this could be a repeat of last time. I have to admit that there is still some pressure, especially now that "everyone" knows, but I know that we just have to trust and have faith that things will work out. It was very encouraging to see how many people have been praying for us and now share our joy!

The Worry

Of course I'm worried about this baby. I'm not sure if it's because of my previous miscarriage, but I have a feeling that all expectant moms feel this worry. I find myself thinking and praying several times a day for the little "grape" (that's what size they say it is this week). The prayer is pretty much always the same and goes something like this "God, please take care of my baby. Please help it grow to be healthy and happy. Keep it safe."

Yesterday, when Josh and I were driving to VA to tell our parents about the baby, who are super excited by the way, I had a realization. I think I'm going to have this same worry and pray this same prayer for the rest of my life. I think a mother's worry and prayer over her child probably never ends. I know my mom prays similar things for my sister and I and my grandmother even prays similar things over her grown children.

Wow..forever is a long time and it's just starting to sink in that this baby will probably be born and will be my child for the rest of my life. Part of that is really exciting, and part of it scares the crap out of me.

My Amazing Husband

As previously mentioned, I have not been feeling my best lately. By the time I get home from work, I'm both exhausted and slightly nauseous. Josh has been amazing. He has been on the ball with either cooking dinner or taking me out to eat. He even agrees to go wherever I choose without any discussion. He cleans up the kitchen after we cook and deals with all of the cat "accidents" that I can not stand to be around. I am typically very independent and like to be in charge of things around the house. I would normally feel guilty laying on the couch or watching TV while he does chores, but he is so sweet about it that I don't even feel bad. On Saturday, I took a two hour nap while he cleaned. I don't know what I would do without him right now!

Baby Names

Yesterday, one of the few friends who knows we are expecting asked me if we had thought about baby names. The answer is yes, we have been talking about names since before we got pregnant the first time. Will we discuss our possible choices, no. We got burned a bit with that before when we mentioned some of the names we were thinking only to have some negative feedback. Not cool.

So, Josh and I have made a pact. We will not discuss our name choices with anyone. Feel free to suggest names you love, but you will see no further discussion of names here and don't expect us to discuss it when we see you. Our plan is to announce the name after the baby arrives. And, for the record, when someone does mention a name they are thinking of for their baby, it's best to just smile and nod!

Boy or Girl

I know we aren't quite to that point yet, but a lot of people are already weighing in on the issue of finding out the baby's gender. This is a decision I'm still on the fence about. I had dinner with a good friend the other day who waited with her first child and is going to wait again with her second. She encouraged me to not find out and explained that it is the one time in your life you can really be surprised. I totally understand that and am very intrigued.

Yesterday some friends were discussing this topic as it relates to another of our friends who is pregnant. They are having a girl and the registry is jammed packed with pink and purple things. I can see how this would be tempting as girl things are much "cuter" than boy things. The discussion was based on how impractical this is because your next baby could end up another gender and it would be awkward to use the same high chair, car seat, stroller, etc. One person comment that this is why they didn't find out, so they wouldn't be tempted to get gender specific baby things and because people then gave them extra stuff when they found out what the gender was.

Both of these are somewhat convincing arguments and I'm seriously debating not finding out. But, I'm pretty sure Josh wants to find out. We welcome more feedback from those of you who have taken both paths!

Sick

So...starting on Monday I've had a cold. It wasn't bad Monday or too bad yesterday, but starting last night I feel crappy. Typical cold stuff, sneezy, stuffy head, sore throat, etc. I emailed my wonderful endocrinologist, who I love and wish could be my everything doctor, and she told me that I could take Tylenol, but she would steer clear of everything else. boo. This is not fun. I wish I could take a day off work, but I really want to save all my days for when the baby is actually here! I was relieved to know that me being sick will in no way impact the baby and my nauseous feeling has lessened (perhaps because I can't smell anything), so that is good. Still, I hate being sick!

The First Ultrasound

Yesterday, Josh and I had our first ultrasound. It was amazingly good. Everything was right on track and the little heart beat was fast and furious! I've heard that that means there is a good chance it will be a girl. I couldn't care less about that, but that heart beat was music to my ears.

I have to admit that I was really anxious going into the ultrasound. I was sure that something would be wrong. I was also sure that even if everything was good, I wouldn't feel comforted because we had an ultrasound right before/during the miscarriage and "everything was good". My wonderful doctor (let me know if you ever need a good reproductive endocrinologist) had actually taken time to go back and look at that previous ultrasound and told us all of the ways this one was different and better, which was very positive. I'm starting to get really excited that we are going to have this baby!

We were so excited that we had to call some one to tell! We ended up having dinner with some of our friends who went through a similar fertility journey and now have two precious children. When we showed them the pictures from the ultrasound, she burst into tears. It was so wonderful to know that someone understands our struggle and now shares in our journey. I am eternally grateful for all the people God put into our life to share this mess and I am super happy to be able to share joy!

Telling People vs. Not Telling People

This has been a tough decision for us. As I said in my previous post, we were just too excited not to tell the people we had dinner with the night we found out. Later that week we also told some other friends of ours who had been praying for us all along the journey. On of my best friends was about to leave for Africa and I had to tell her before she left. After that, things got tricky. It is incredibly hard to talk to my mom and sister on the phone and not tell them. It's not that I'm keeping it a secret "in case something happens". I know that if something happens they'll know about it. With my family it's more that I really want to tell them in person and be able to see their excitement and share hugs. The problem is trying to find time to schedule a trip home has been difficult and it looks like it will be close to the end of the month before we make it. Boo!

Last night we were at a party with some of Josh's co-workers and it's really hard not to just discuss it in conversation because it is such a big part of our life right now. We know, from experience, however, how hard it is to have to go back to those people and tell them when something goes wrong, so for now, we'll hold off. It's just so exciting and such a part of our life that it's really hard not to tell everyone, maybe after we have an ultrasound tomorrow if everything looks good.

How Do You Feel?

This is the question that everyone asks as soon as they find out you are pregnant and every time they see you afterward. I have no idea how to answer this question. What do they mean? How do I feel physically or emotionally? Do they really want the real answers? They aren't that pretty.

How do I feel physically? Gross...like all food is disgusting. I make Josh cook and have to eat dry cornflakes all day to keep from feeling super gross. I'm also exhausted most of the time, constipated off and on, and gassy almost constantly. Strangely though, I love the fact that I feel gross! It reminds me that something wonderful is going on and since I didn't feel bad at all last time, I take it as a good sign. I'm also happy not to be debilitatingly sick like I know I could be.

How do I feel emotionally? Well, that is a much tougher question. I feel elated, excited, and giddy. I'm dying for the day I can buy maternity clothes and baby things. I want to go and tell everyone I know just how happy I am. I'm secretly looking at baby things and day care online. I feel like this baby is real and is going to show up in September. But I'm also scared to feel that way. I know that things don't always work out. I know that I still have several weeks until the dreaded first trimester is over. I know that I'll be totally devastated if something happens this time. I want more than anything to fast forward to the middle of March. Not that things are ever guaranteed to work out, but for now, that seems like a safe time. I count every single day and wish I could make them all go faster.

So here's your warning. If you ask me how I feel, I might just tell you the truth. Be ready!

Our Story

Josh and I decided that we wanted to start a family in June of 2007. It has been a long journey with lots of ups and downs, but on January 16th we found out we were pregnant! I decided a blog would be a good way to keep track of my pregnancy. I'll give the somewhat abbreviated version of our history here, just so you know how this all started.

In June of 2007 and took my last birth control pill. At that point we were really naive and positive we would get pregnant the very next month! In July we went on vacation to Williamsburg and Ocracoke and were sure that during that time we would get pregnant. We didn't. Months started to go by and many of our friends (five in fact) got pregnant. We didn't. I was starting to get frustrated and feel like something might be wrong, but Josh was steadfast and sure it would happen "next month". I did some ovulation prediction kits and began taking my basal body temperature. My cycle had always been very normal and these both indicated that I was ovulating every month. This was a good sign. That December I was about a week late. We were sure we were pregnant. We were at the beach with my family when my cycle started. We were heartbroken and vowed to "try harder" in January.

We must have done something right, because in January of 2008 we conceived. We were so excited. In February, I knew I was several days late, so I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, but I didn't give up hope. I had friends who had negative tests the first time. On Monday, February 11th, I took a test before work that was positive. We were both super excited and I felt like I was on cloud nine all day. That very afternoon I went to the doctor to get confirmation. Sure enough, I was pregnant. It almost didn't feel real because I had no symptoms. We immediately began telling all of our friends. That weekend, for Valentines day, we went home and told our families. Everyone was very excited for us.

The whole time of the pregnancy, I kept telling Josh it didn't seem real because I wasn't having any symptoms. My friends all just told me I was lucky. On Sunday February 24th I noticed I was having a little spotting. This freaked me out and I made a doctor appointment for Monday. On Monday the doctor sent us for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. Josh was with me and we got to see the baby moving and hear a heart beat. That was very encouraging, but later that day I began to have heavy bleeding an cramping. Two days later it was confirmed that I did have a miscarriage.

To say we were disappointed was an understatement. We were crushed. It was especially hard because I was in the process of planning baby showers for two of my good friends. I'm sure I went through a state of depression and Josh probably did too. We were lucky to have quite a few friends who had gone through the same thing and who were a great encouragement to us during this time and we vowed to get back to trying right away.

Needless to say, "right away" stretched into almost two years. I was somewhat opposed to medical intervention, but during that time I became frustrated and began seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. I had a lot of different tests. I had slightly increased prolactin level which lead to an MRI only to find out that my level wasn't really very high and I probably didn't need the MRI. In July of 2009 I had an HSG (which was torture by the way) which showed I potentially had a blocked fallopian tube. The only way to know for sure was endoscopic surgery. I wasn't ready to go through that yet and we were trying to sell our house and move, so we decided to take a break from all the baby stuff until after the first of the year. We agreed that in January of 2010 we would start medical interventions.

So, in January we had planned to begin trying taking clomid and possibly IUI. We were just waiting for my cycle so we could get started. Day 32 rolled around and I still had no signs of my cycle starting. All day on day 33, January 16th, I felt crazy and kept wondering if we might be pregnant. Josh encouraged me to take a pregnancy test, "just so we would know". At the last minute we ran to Target to get a test. I was sure that it would be negative, especially since I wasn't really that late yet. The second I took it, it was very positive. We were both in a state of disbelief.

We had planned to go out to dinner that with some friends at Magnolia Grill in Durham. These are some of our closest friends and we decided right away that we were so excited we had to tell them. Plus they would wonder why I didn't have wine with dinner. That night when we got home I was excited, but also a little nervous. In all of my past experiences, being pregnant hasn't worked out. What if that happens again? We decided not to tell our families or too many co-workers right away. The next day I emailed my reproductive endocrinologist and told her I was pregnant. She was very happy for us and scheduled us for an Ultrasound at 8 weeks. That's Monday! :)